The last time I worked as a Secretary, I got fired for being very naughty. It was about 1970 and my first out-of-control passion. I could not get enough of her. I would even come home to “eat” during my lunch hour. Then my boss went away for several days and, after my midday meal, I brought her back with me to the office, in an isolated industrial zone. We loved role-playing, so I sat her on my lap to take some dictation. From lap to desk, one pleasurable thing led to another in that otherwise wretched environment.
That secretarial job was about as much fun as sucking face with a porcupine. In the two-room office, there was only me and my boss, a very minor water treatment tyrant with only me to abuse. When I came into work two days later, on the day he returned, I found him standing stiffly next to my desk. Keeping his distance to avoid my cooties, he hissed that I had “30 seconds to clear out.” I was fired. Oops. I had neglected to think about the warehouse man who, after watching me dine on my lover through the back window, had snitched.
I can’t say that at the time it was very amusing, especially when I was (temporarily) turned down for unemployment insurance after my boss wrote to them that I had committed unspeakable acts all over my desk. This was the end of my career as a Secretary, so I’m no longer qualified to be celebrated this week in its honor.
Well, that used to be its name. Now it is National Administrative Professionals Week. But the conditions – at least at the junior level – are too often much the same: crap pay, drooling male bosses and overwork. Of course there have been secretaries that really enjoyed their positions, not the least Lee Holloway, Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character in the flawed but fabulous 2002 film “Secretary.” Although it's hard to read on the poster image to the left, the movie’s tagline, “Assume the Position,” hints at the sexually kinky role she happily plays to James Spader’s pervy boss character.
Ironically, today is also Equal Pay Day and according to the rather reliable Alternet.org, women still receive just 77 cents on a man’s earned dollar. In addition, it’s Sky Awareness Week (for those on hallucinogenics?) as well National Scoop the Poop Week (for journalists who write about crap?) Let’s party!