It’s been a very long time since I last blogged, certainly not from lack of desire. I was prohibitively busy with such substantial activities as planning and executing my 60th birthday party and sending myself abroad for a self-prezzie.
Meanwhile, I’ve been squirreling away many tidbits for your erudition, some of which follow:
CLIT: Sit on this!
First Freud considered it a kind of vestigial organ-ette. If you got your jollies from it, that was proof of your immaturity. Feminists re-discovered the little nub and established our right to female orgasms. Now, the BBC reports, “an Australian urologist, Dr Helen O'Connell, has revealed that the clitoris is shaped more like a mountain than a hill.”
In fact, she says that the clit’s anatomy resembles a pyramid, with the super-sensitive glans at the peak and the rest surrounding the urethra and vagina. All of it is erectile tissue that swells with arousal and if we were so crass as to conflate quantity of sexual equipment with quality – but who oh who would take such a ridiculous view? – some might conclude that women are the hung gender.
Underwire Prevented from Uplifting a Federal Courthouse
The citizens of Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, are sleeping soundly at last, now that the security people at their U.S. District Courthouse have stopped a local woman named Lori Plato from trying to sneak in wearing, get this, a bra. Talk about lethal! “Appropriate security protocols” were followed, according to a U.S. marshal in a report from the Associated Press, referring to the incident in which Plato’s husband had to hold up his coat while she stripped in public before they’d let her pass through their metal detectors. It’s taken decades, but finally the authorities are at one with the bra-burners.
Mexico City Working Girls Build Themselves a Retirement Home
BBC News has another worthy story. One of the 3,000 prostitutes working in Mexico City has opened a home for aged whores, with the support of the right-on mayor who provided a chunk of change. Thirty women, including a 90 year-old who retired after 40 years of sex work, live in “the house… called Casa Xochiquetzal. It is named after the Aztec goddess of beauty and sexual love.” Can you imagine the reaction if a mayor in the U.S. provided funding for such an innovative service?
Free Nipple Clamps for All?
In 1998 Alabama, marching backwards at an impressive rate, banned the sale of "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs,” says ABC News. Oh, you can use them, but you can’t buy them. A sex-toy shopkeeper’s challenge has been declined by the U.S. Supreme Court. While some may consider this a move to protect family values and reduce pleasure in the state, I actually suspect that this is an anti-capitalist conspiracy. Perhaps someone plans to undermine the free market, even the free world as we know it, by the complimentary distribution of such dangerous devices as strap-ons and vibrating ben wa balls.
The owner of sex-toy shops who brought the matter to court, Sherri Williams, is adamant, that “they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand," despite first offense punishments of up to a year in the pokey and a $10,000 fine, not to mention the threat of up to 10 years for a second offense. At last, a war on pleasure. Remember, this is the state that persisted in banning interracial marriage until November, 2000. It’s nice to know that Alabama continues to take law and order seriously.
Penetrating Both Wheels
When two cleaners entered Robert Stewart’s hostel room in Scotland, the Telegraph relates, they found him humping his bicycle. Surely screwing your wheels is no more dangerous to society than pounding your putz in your pillow. The Sheriff Court did not agree. They have placed Stewart on the list of sex offenders! If you recall, I blogged about men and their machines earlier.
But why oh why, given all the sexual violence against humans in the world, are the authorities spooked about deflowered spokes? Perhaps it’s simply a matter of British tradition. As I mentioned in my piece about the man who couldn’t resist exhaust pipes, there was also the chap who was jailed for having sex with sidewalks.
Airborne Bonking Banned
As someone who tried to join the “mile-high club” last time I went to Europe with my lover, I welcomed the news that the Airbus A380 would be offering double beds. Our attempts, first in adjoining seats and finally in Virgin Air’s first-class chair-beds, were a challenge, to put a polite spin on things. We grappled happily with said challenge, but now Singapore Airlines is insisting that the new A380 double beds are only for sleeping. The first couple to grab the airborne luxury were, naturally, mature people. He is “a vigorous 72” the article says and she a mere 51. Poor things. They were prevented from consummating the flight not only by the vigilance of the staff, but by the lines of journalists crowding in for a photo.
There’s been a flurry of press excitement over a recent scientific study of female worms. “The researchers isolated the nerve cells responsible for sexual attraction in nematode worms,” the Salt Lake Tribune reports, “then ‘flipped’ a genetic switch in the brains of female worms so they became attracted to other females.” (I’d love to get my hands on that switch, wouldn’t you?)
Apparently they also go all butch (the worms, not the researchers), exhibiting “masculine” behaviors and demonstrating to the world how easy it is to cross gender and sexual boundaries. Oh, that’s not what it demonstrates? No, it is supposedly another piece of evidence that biology is destiny. I wasn’t “born” gay or sexually kinky or Jewish. These things are not only complex, they are quite fluid (if you are willing to go with the flow). A recent University of Texas study reported on 237 different reasons why people bother with the muss and fuss of intimate rub-a-dub; clearly a mere genetic switch is not the whole answer.