I have maintained my cool in the face of January’s unprecedented unemployment and horrifying economic news, until a recent announcement that made me tightly clutch my thighs in panic. But please allow me to rant for a few paragraphs on the Depression, before I get to the crotch.
So many of the companies that are withering (while their top managers moan about reduced bonuses of millions) have long offered crap products and nasty non-service. Who is paying for this? The workers, who else. According to Forbes.com, 162,962 employees were laid off in January by the 500 top American companies – from Ford (SUV guzzlers lost their appeal?) to Caterpillar (what? Israel didn’t order enough bulldozers to flatten Gaza?) to Boeing (is Obama killing the corporate jet market among bankrupt companies?).
OK, big capitalism sucks and this Depression – which in contrast to the country’s experts I predicted in June, 2008, in my piece “The Next Great Depression” – will hurt us more than it will hurt the wealthy. In fact, as you watch some companies quietly acquiring so many other companies, you wonder if this whole thing was not engineered. And then you remember that even moguls don’t understand capitalism, that it is unplanned, uncontrollable and massively unregulated.
In any event, things have now gotten out of hand – as it were. I just heard that Hitachi is predicting a loss of $7.7 billion for this fiscal year and will be firing 7.000 employees. Hitachi makes many home appliances, medical equipment and IT systems, but I’m thinking of one product without which life is hardly worth living.
The Hitachi Magic Wand.
For 30 years women have been plugging in for the most intense (think: jackhammer) vibration ever to stimulate an erogenous zone. In the succeeding decades other companies have come up with their bullets and their rabbits and their other weak imitations, but nothing that runs on batteries is ever going to match the love I get from my Wand.
And it’s not just me. Every sex expert worth her clit has lauded the Wand – giving Hitachi flushed and free promotion in all the right places. The country’s leading masturbation genius, Betty Dodson, has been buying it by the case since the early 1970s to give to girlfriends and students. Margaret Cho, the righteous comedian (at left), is convinced that every woman can orgasm with the Wand’s help. Susie Bright, the true Sexpert, is a believer, as is Rosie O’Donnell.
In 2000 there was a hiccup between Hitachi and their American distributors and for a while Wands were impossible to find. The panic this deprivation brought to women throughout the developed world was only relieved by a new distribution company, but in the meantime none of the substitutes that were explored lived up to the heavy-duty standards set by the Magic Wand.
At 1.28 pounds and with its gooseneck flexibility, that funny tennis-ball head hones in obediently every time. Magic Wands have always been a part of a lesbian’s overnight kit, to be used alone or in company. Straight women have taught their men how to integrate the Wand into their nooky, and now a lot of erotica (oh, you know, porn) includes the one, especially bondage images.
Here’s a promo clip from Babeland, a sex toy emporium, in which the lovely Vanessa caresses her Magic Wand:
Life without my Magic Wand would be shockingly stressful. Believe me, no one wants me stressed out – it’s not a pretty sight. I’m already struggling to cope with being underemployed, suspending all my international travel and feeling helpless in the face of how all this is affecting the 1.4 billion crushingly poor people of the world.
I’ve been complaining and explaining for years, but now I have to put my foot down. There’s a reason why it’s called a magic wand. Please, oh please, don’t send me back to the Stone Ages of childhood when all I had at my disposal was a balled-up pillow and the wonder of discovery. Cross your fingers, not your ankles, for Hitachi.
Perhaps it’s time to get together to lobby Obama’s economic team. While the Republicans are saving their tax cuts for the wealthy, we should spell out our priorities:
Hey, stimulus package! Stimulate this!