I have maintained my cool in the face of January’s unprecedented unemployment and horrifying economic news, until a recent announcement that made me tightly clutch my thighs in panic. But please allow me to rant for a few paragraphs on the Depression, before I get to the crotch.
So many of the companies that are withering (while their top managers moan about reduced bonuses of millions) have long offered crap products and nasty non-service. Who is paying for this? The workers, who else. According to Forbes.com, 162,962 employees were laid off in January by the 500 top American companies – from Ford (SUV guzzlers lost their appeal?) to Caterpillar (what? Israel didn’t order enough bulldozers to flatten Gaza?) to Boeing (is Obama killing the corporate jet market among bankrupt companies?).
OK, big capitalism sucks and this Depression – which in contrast to the country’s experts I predicted in June, 2008, in my piece “The Next Great Depression” – will hurt us more than it will hurt the wealthy. In fact, as you watch some companies quietly acquiring so many other companies, you wonder if this whole thing was not engineered. And then you remember that even moguls don’t understand capitalism, that it is unplanned, uncontrollable and massively unregulated.
In any event, things have now gotten out of hand – as it were. I just heard that Hitachi is predicting a loss of $7.7 billion for this fiscal year and will be firing 7.000 employees. Hitachi makes many home appliances, medical equipment and IT systems, but I’m thinking of one product without which life is hardly worth living.
The Hitachi Magic Wand.
For 30 years women have been plugging in for the most intense (think: jackhammer) vibration ever to stimulate an erogenous zone. In the succeeding decades other companies have come up with their bullets and their rabbits and their other weak imitations, but nothing that runs on batteries is ever going to match the love I get from my Wand.
And it’s not just me. Every sex expert worth her clit has lauded the Wand – giving Hitachi flushed and free promotion in all the right places. The country’s leading masturbation genius, Betty Dodson, has been buying it by the case since the early 1970s to give to girlfriends and students. Margaret Cho, the righteous comedian (at left), is convinced that every woman can orgasm with the Wand’s help. Susie Bright, the true Sexpert, is a believer, as is Rosie O’Donnell.
In 2000 there was a hiccup between Hitachi and their American distributors and for a while Wands were impossible to find. The panic this deprivation brought to women throughout the developed world was only relieved by a new distribution company, but in the meantime none of the substitutes that were explored lived up to the heavy-duty standards set by the Magic Wand.
At 1.28 pounds and with its gooseneck flexibility, that funny tennis-ball head hones in obediently every time. Magic Wands have always been a part of a lesbian’s overnight kit, to be used alone or in company. Straight women have taught their men how to integrate the Wand into their nooky, and now a lot of erotica (oh, you know, porn) includes the one, especially bondage images.
Here’s a promo clip from Babeland, a sex toy emporium, in which the lovely Vanessa caresses her Magic Wand:
Life without my Magic Wand would be shockingly stressful. Believe me, no one wants me stressed out – it’s not a pretty sight. I’m already struggling to cope with being underemployed, suspending all my international travel and feeling helpless in the face of how all this is affecting the 1.4 billion crushingly poor people of the world.
I’ve been complaining and explaining for years, but now I have to put my foot down. There’s a reason why it’s called a magic wand. Please, oh please, don’t send me back to the Stone Ages of childhood when all I had at my disposal was a balled-up pillow and the wonder of discovery. Cross your fingers, not your ankles, for Hitachi.
Perhaps it’s time to get together to lobby Obama’s economic team. While the Republicans are saving their tax cuts for the wealthy, we should spell out our priorities:
Hey, stimulus package! Stimulate this!
You're absolutely right, Sue! We need orgasms now more than ever. And who knew until I read your blog that Hitachi's Magic Wand would provide that clitoral stimulus package as we wait for the larger economy to pump itself up.
Instead of the byword being, Seen any good movies lately, we can now ask, Had any good orgasms lately? They're good for what ails you.
Posted by: Ruth Z Deming | 01 February 2009 at 21:05
I enjoyed this post, Sue! I hope you'll it to the Hitachi company and offer to let them use it in their promotion -- you could save some jobs!
Joan Price
Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty (http://www.joanprice.com/BetterThanExpected.htm)
Join us -- we're talking about ageless sexuality at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com
Posted by: Joan Price | 01 February 2009 at 21:37
I agree that the Hitachi Magic wand is a real favorite.
Posted by: Jackie | 02 February 2009 at 12:37
I realized, while reading your piece, that my own wand is now over 20 years old and still going strong. The thought of it giving up the ghost without a replacement immediately available -- horrors!
Posted by: Maggie Jochild | 02 February 2009 at 13:31
Being a guy I think that I speak for my brethern in saying that we possess the magic wand. I then read your blog and a number of female comments about this electrical Zeus and briefly experienced a hint of inadequacy. Okay, it wasn't so brief. I am now walking around with Magic Wand envy and a limp libido. Katz, one more blog like this and I cancel my subscription!
Posted by: Stephen Weinstein | 05 February 2009 at 20:58
Stephen, when I got done laughing ("electrical Zeus"!!), I read your comment to my closest man and as he is too shy to ever comment on my blog, he told me to tell you that the Wand is a great backup and takes the pressure off. It is a toy and a very collaborative one at that. So men in the know use it as a third hand, as it were. You might consider ordering one (while you can) and experimenting.
Posted by: Sue Katz | 05 February 2009 at 23:02
What immediately comes to mind for me is that I can't think of more than maybe two or three times in my entire life when I haven't had an orgasm while having sex. I would have thought the same holds true for most guys, but maybe I'm wrong. So, I would have thought that about 50% would be the bare minimum percentage of folks who achieve orgasm every time.
Posted by: Glass dildo | 22 June 2011 at 01:26