If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get: Chapter Comcast

I have for many years been planning to write the definitive tome entitled If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get. If you know me personally, you know that I’m the scruffy queen of asking and the prince of getting, particularly when it comes to blood-sucking corporations.

I was born to this attitude, because often there was (and is) no other way to get what I need. America is a particularly fertile environment in which to ask/get, because it has traditionally been the land of “plenty”, some would say of “too much.” What used to be called, by people critical of my behavior, “mooching” – an activity that would embarrass them because of their desire to appear resplendent with plenty – is now called “recycling” and is very much in favor.

Like I say, I’ve got a book’s worth of opinion, theory, and anecdotes on this subject – with a surprising pile of little victories along the way. By telling you about Comcast today, I hope I’m pushing myself into documenting these experiences, because often such a coup is the only scrap of good news I can possibly dig out of this crappy period we’re living in. The justice of being able to return an item despite misplacing the receipt is one level of asking and getting. But sometimes we can really make a point, like the time, earlier in my ask/get career, when my posse and I were in Amsterdam during EuroPride week in 1994. At the entrance to Rijksmuseum there was a pricing sign with a special low charge for families. “This is my family,” I said, pointing to my girlfriend, my best friend and his boyfriend, and three assorted dyke friends. It worked.

Before the last presidential elections, in the 60 days between Sarah Palin’s elevation to vice-presidential candidate and the elections themselves, I wrote a book called Thanks But No Thanks: The Voters Guide to Sarah Palin. I spent 28 days and nights researching and writing it, while my editor Barry Hock edited it as I went, and my publisher Harvard Perspectives Press prepared it chapter-by-chapter for publication. We then had just a few weeks in which to promote and sell it before the elections. It was such an intense experience for all of us and such an immersion in all things Palin for me, that I never wanted to write about her again.

Tomorrow night is the much-touted HBO movie “Game Change” in which Julianne Moore and her make-up people play Palin. For some reason I want to see it but, try as I might, I have failed to get myself invited over to any friend’s house with HBO.

So I called Comcast and befriended the woman on the other end of the line. This is not hard to do – and is one of the secrets of getting what you ask. I told her I had a crazy request but that I’d bet it wouldn’t be the craziest she got today – which is why she gets paid the “big bucks.” She laughed and when I told her I needed HBO for tomorrow – and I told her why – she dug around until she found a three-month freebie and gave it to me. She wasn’t able to find me a freebie for HD (which I refuse to pay for), but she said to try back in a month to see if something pops up.

These rapacious companies have all sorts of freebies and usually they only offer them to you if they’ve screwed up (like a technician arriving late for an appointment or your shows have been pixilating for a week) or if you’re in a lather about something (a rude call center operator or your cable failed during the Super Bowl) and they want to make nice. But the call center people have the option of offering it whenever they feel it is appropriate to make a gesture – and being charmed by them and interested in them often constitutes a good reason.

It probably helps if you have a good record of paying your bills and have been with them for any length of time. Several times over the years I have had my cell phone service through Verizon, I’ve passed my minute limit close to the end of the month. I’ve called them and each time I was able to establish a rapport – and these call center folks take so much abuse that a nice word is a major thrill – they would find a little courtesy package that allowed them to give me some free minutes – 100, maybe 200.

So if you don’t ask, you won’t get, but if you are intending to ask, do it with candor and good humor to increase your chances of success. And now I must interrupt this blog to go check out what HBO daytime TV looks like. I will probably rue the day I gained this bauble.

Comments

[Joan Price]

What great advice! I call Comcast every few months to see what discounts I'm entitled to and usually get a substantial 6-month discount. But I never tried wheedling them for a special show on HBO!

[Allen Young]

Another thing that has worked for me is protesting the high annual fee for a credit card. I have managed to get the fee reduced or eliminated for a year. Also, if I find any fault with a product, I will call the 800 number and politely register my complaint, and get some coupons. In the days of Abbie Hoffman's "Steal this Book," I used to register false complaints to get free stuff, but I would not do that today due to what I consider my more mature ethical code.

[Marj]

Call centre work must be utterly soul destroying. You may be on the scrounge, but you are also acknowledging someone's humanity.

[Sue Katz]

Oh, I wouldn't call it "the scrounge" - I would call it reparations. Comcast is a beast and a blood-sucker. Yes, call centers are verbal sweatshops, indeed.